The idea for today’s article came with another struggle of mine- not only is it Monday and the Summer’s officially over but also I have a hangover like an eighteen year old. It’s pretty bad. I mean, it’s dramatically bad.
But since I’ve promised you all to be more active on my wonderful blog, I had to get my arse in front of this laptop and feeling like a sinking ship start writing something. So first it was supposed to be a late review of a quite charming Obvious Child, which I recommend you see and review it for me, but then I thought- damn, I really can’t be bothered to write today. Just like I can’t be bothered to watch all the films on Mubi that are the gems of modern independent foreign cinema. And even knowing it doesn’t help. Sometimes I’m in the mood for them but most of the times I’m not and then some super smart friend of mine asks me if I’d ever seen the Silence of Lorna and I just smile because what else do I have left in life?
So I know- it’s hard. So many good films and so little fucks to give, so today I will try and make it slightly easier for you with my little guide to Watching Films You Can’t Be Bothered to Watch. And hey, I already wrote 235 words without even thinking. Here we go:
1. Start Watching This Bloody Film
You know you have to. One day you will regret you didn’t and you already missed its cinema release. And there are more Artificial Eye arthouse films coming up, so you need to hurry. The easiest and only solution to your problem really is do what I’ve just done myself- stick it on and don’t avert your eyes. The good news is: once you start something you are basically lying to your brain that you do it because you chose to, so there is a massive chance that your stupid brain will think that it should enjoy it. And it will!
2. Focus on the Background
When the film you’re watching is going out of head or is so ambitious you have no idea what your name is anymore, you might also choose a saner option. Just focus on the background. How many leaves have fallen off this rotten tree? How many cows chew the grass on the peopleless field? Are any of the clouds shaped funnily? See? Possibilities are endless!
3. Stop Checking the Time
It won’t help. Time won’t speed up no matter how much you hope for it. Surprisingly, it might actually stop for a very long period. Time is a cheeky bastard.
4. Think of Other Films You Could Be Watching Right Now
Maybe the film you’re watching is quite inspiring and reminds you of other films you’ve seen or were planning on seeing but forgot? Or maybe comparing it to something else will allow you to discover an aspect that can make it actually pleasurable to watch? Making mental connection with other movies would also make you tiny bit smarter in this super pretentious review that you’re going to write. Speaking of which…
5. Write a Review
When I’m bored at the screening I always make ridiculously long notes which often entertain me more than the film itself. Also, you can write very slowly and soon you’ll realise that the horror has passed. Remember, the super ambitious indie foreign movies are usually no longer than 90 minutes. That’s the beauty of it.
6. Focus on the Increase of Your Hipster Reputation and How Showy-Off It Will Be to Join a Pretentious Discussion Later
This film will turn you into the most annoying entertainer next time you meet your pretentious friends. Your amazing analysis of the background, precise recollections of which scene happens in exactly what minute and long notes you’ve been learning by heart will help you get these little douchbag points. Yay.