Full on summer. There is no doubt. Films are falling down, one after another, like bombs. Mainly stinky bombs, too. Although I’ve noticed that (wtf) people do appreciate these bombs. Maybe we have been subjected to too much goodness last year. So this year we rest. We rest our brains. And we want to get bored. In a cinema. Be bored by the CGI, the images we are amazed by for first fifteen seconds before our eyes become accustomed to them like they do to the darkness and then we sit, hypnotised, images moving too quickly, images with no words, just sounds. Loud sounds like bombs.
Transformers and Tammy both got good reviews. I have no idea what the fuck is happening. So last week I saw the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I was very happy. There was a lot of sweets on the screening and free water. And I like water. So sitting in front of the screen, wearing my nerdy 3D glasses, drinking my water avoiding the sweets, I was happy waiting for the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I was happy because I was thinking about the previous one, the remake or rather the new take on the original. It was refreshing, entertaining and raised a lot of questions which although have been raised by other films before, were presented in a easily consumable way. Between amazing CGI and strong action. The acting was great, the effects were spectacular and it was just a smart form of entertainment I really enjoyed. I think I recommended the first film to a lot of people I knew at that time. People liked it.
Ok, so the Dawn of the Planet of Apes begins years years later after the first one. The planet, or rather the small area next to San Francisco has been overtaken by the apes, who evolve in the speed of light. At the beginning of the film Ceasar is the only one to speak the human tongue (and so I guess that’s why he is the leader) but at the end of the film all the apes seem to be very fluent in human speech. Their sentences are often better than the ones attempted by the blandest group of humans there. But wait, let’s not get that far. Although I already wished at that point the film would end. A lot of illogical points appear straight away. For example: why is this film so fucking arrogant? Are we really luck creativity and just assume that if any species had any chance to evolve they would evolve exactly like humans did? They would wear our jewelry the way we wear it? Ride horses the same way? Use the same weapons? Is it not a little fucking arrogant? But ok, so the apes evolved exactly how we did. They were jewelry and built uneccesarily stunning buildings. They aren’t concerned about the environment and they seem quite comfortable with whatever they are doing. I am not sure what, because before the humans appear we only see the doing one thing. Hunting. They hunt deers screaming their lungs out even though they use sign language to communicate. I guess scarring off the prey makes it more fun. I don’t know. But at this point a relationship appears between the father (Ceasar) and his son (sad-eyed ape). It is similar to that of Mufasa and Simba. That is all.
There is also a bad ape. A bad, ugly ape. We know he’s evil because he’s ugly. His name is Kobo I think. He speaks loudly and is ugly. So he’s evil. The end.
There is also a group of blandest humans ever. I think we need to spend a sentence analysing how pointless this group is. I think every review you’ve read had already mentioned them. There are a few men and a woman and I don’t remember if there is a girl. They have a mission from Gary Oldman who guards the city of San Francisco. The group of humans is sent to the apes to use their energy source. They have some sort of reactor or whatever, if the humans are allowed in to do some work, they will get the energy to activate the radio. They have to hurry because they are running out of fuel in San Francisco. They only have enough to last for three weeks.
So why don’t they use it on the radio already? Nobody knows.
These humans are so boring and bland that you just hope they die. They almost do but they (spoiler)…it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter if I told you what happened, because once you see them, you stop caring about them.
The ugly ape hates humans. He used to live in a lab and so he’s ugly from humans experimenting on him. I actually like the ape. He is the only one who thinks straight and apart from reaching for hitlerism in the further moments of the film, his motivations are persuasive. Yes, even the blandest humans mess up so badly that I have no idea why Ceasar lets them continue with their work. Humans also have guns and are preparing the strike the apes, so the ugly ape is right. Either way, guess your most predictable prediction and that is exactly what happens in the last hour of the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Everything you think would happen if the movie used all the cliches there are, happens. It is so ridiculously lazy that looking at the seconds passing on my watch seemed less predictable. And this is me saying, me, a fan of horror films which are entirely based as a genre on predictability. Even for the the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was too much.
I have no idea why people are praising this film. It is so cliche, it’s boring. The characters are made of paper and the only one who stands out is Ceasar but I genuinely believe that it is only because we spent the whole previous film learning about him. Yes, the CGI looks amazing but come on, it is not a Micheal Bay film to masturbate over the CGI only. I really expected more. The empathy, the entertainment and the complexity of the first one. The only touching moment in the second one was Ceasar looking at the picture of him and James Franco. I miss James Franco, man. Bring him back.
P.S. A star for an ape with a machine gun riding a horse through fires and flames
and yes, they are making the third one