Although I am addicted to the Oscars and have been watching the ceremony since I was 13 (which makes it almost a very long time now), I am also extremely disappointed with the results every year (especially recently, see: the King’s Speech and Silver Linings Playbook) and nowadays, often with the nominations themselves. I have no idea why I get so involved but even when I promise myself not to watch it live (as I did this year), I always end up in front of a screen of some sort, at 3am in the morning on Monday ranting my thoughts aloud. My rants have been large and public. Last year, my fellow wonderful blogger, Alibelle joined me at Ritzy, London and we even made a cake to celebrate Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar (which, of course, didn’t happen) and screamed our lungs out when Life of Pi won it all (I have no words left to describe how it made me feel). Few years ago, it was even worse, when I got drunk and crying with the great Michuk from Filmaster (the wonderful website I used to rant on) and produced this:
You can watch other parts, if you speak Polish.
So, as you can see, I am very engaged and enthusiastic about Oscars even though I have a strong love-hate relationship with them. I guess, my life is just so simple I need to waste my time on that.
This year is no different, but before I start complaining I wanted to say: Congratulations 2013. Even though I have some objections about this year’s nominations, overall 2013 has been a very strong cinematic year and every single nominated movie (well, maybe apart from Gravity) deserved its place in the Academy’s heart. Hell, I can’t even say what I am cheering for this year (although Nebraska did change my life). Unfortunately, I have to write something sometimes and thus, I have come up with things to be unhappy about. Actually, it wasn’t that difficult if I’m honest. It is amazing that the Hunt is getting recognition, but what happened to Blue is the Warmest Colour? It’s great that Gravity’s score is on the list but who the fuck forgot about Inside Llewyn Davis?
I hate using slang words and WTF is so outdated, but I hope by looking at the title, this is what you will have in mind. Benicio Del Toro’s ‘What the fuck’, because this is exactly how some choices made me feel:
Here are the Top 12 (Benicio del Toro’s voice) What the Fucks of this year’s Oscars:
12. Pacific Rim Not Nominated for Special Effects
Personally, I couldn’t care less. I haven’t seen Pacific Rim at IMAX which in the eyes of those who have seen it there counts as not seeing it at all. I’m not even a fan of the category itself. Usually, films nominated for Special Effects have nothing more to offer and the line-up is strong either way: Star Trek, fucking Iron Man and the Hobbit? That’s not bad…but how come The Lone Ranger is nominated when Pacific Rim isn’t? Shocking…
11. Berberian Sound Studio Not Nominated for…Sound
Is there a film that deserves a nomination more than Berberian Sound Studio when it comes to Sound Editing/Mixing? The whole fucking film is about it and not only that, it is a tribute to the category itself! In the words of great Ice Cube from 21 Jump Street: “Are you autistic?”
10. Monsters University Not Nominated for Best Animation
I hate Despicable Me. I hate Despicable Me 2 even more. So you can just imagine my face when Despicable Me 2 gets nominated for being Best Animation when Monsters University (much better than the Croods, I’m sorry Nicolas Cage) isn’t. I think I need more time to process it…
9. Tom Hanks Not Nominated
My biggest worry before the nominations were announced was that Tom Hanks would be getting recognition for two of his features this year, Captain Phillips and Saving Mrs Banks. Hell, I was so freaked out by the thought that it made me paranoid that once again Leonardo DiCaprio would leave barehanded losing against Mr Nice Guy. I couldn’t be more mistaken. Somehow, the Academy decided that Tom Hanks doesn’t deserve nomination EVEN THOUGH he is America’s sweetheart AND he is very good in both of these films. And by very good I mean, he could easily compete with the other nominees. Irony
8. A Hijacking Not Nominated for Best Foreign Film
First of all, it is fucking offensive to praise Captain Phillips so much when a Hijacking is the film the Tom Hanks’ feature is based on AND it is one of the greatest films I’ve seen last year (ok, I saw it two years ago but doesn’t matter). But no, it’s as if a Hijacking never existed. Nobody talks about it, nobody even mentions it when talking about Captain Phillips. People, PEOPLE! Off to the screens, NOW!
7. All is Lost Not Nominated…
…for a lot of stuff it should have been nominated for. Starting from directing? off to…editing? Maybe…cinematography? eeee…sound mixing? Best Actor? Anything? Anyone? No?
6. Stories We Tell Not Nominated for Best Documentary
I cried during Stories We Tell so much that people after the screening were asking me if I have some similar family issues and trust me, I only cry so much on very good films (unless I’m being manipulated by being shown cats in distress or when Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t get the Oscar). Stories We Tell…hmmm…it isn’t critics’ favourite, it’s true. A lot of people say Sarah Polley is somehow self-centred and graphomaniac by making this documentary. These people don’t know what they’re talking about, don’t listen to them. Whoever decided to omit this film better has a good reason. I don’t see it
5. Blue is the Warmest Colour Not Nominated for Best Foreign Film
Here is a shock. Everybody KNEW that Blue is the Warmest Colour will get the Oscar this year and yet…it’s not even nominated. One of the most perfect films about modern relationship, beautifully shot, beautifully told and with beautiful actresses and the Academy decided not to give a fuck. Maybe it would make the category too predictable, I don’t know. Either way…damn…
4. James Franco Not Nominated for Spring Breakers
I know, I know, Spring Breakers isn’t Oscars’ movie at all. It’s too weird, too indie and not mainstream enough to even come up in the Academy’s head and yet, it’s hard not to suffer from the lack of nomination, especially for the ingenious James Franco performance as Alien, and by ingenious I mean, I’ve seen this film three times for him. Bitches!
3. Before Midnight Nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay
Adapted? ADAPTED?! Based on what? The characters Linklater created? The characters from the two other parts that were made from the ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY? I just have no words simply because I do not comprehend, I mean, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? What the fuck…
2. Please Mr Kennedy Not Nominated for Best Song
Now, every time you hear this perfect song you have to say to yourself: it wasn’t nominated. Despicable Me 2 was, Mandela was, Alone and Yet Not Alone which NOBODY HAS HEARD OF was, BUT Please Mr Kennedy wasn’t. Why? Because
1. Inside Llewyn Davis Not Nominated for Best Score
I’m serious. It’s not. Check it, I’m not joking. It just isn’t and once again…Because.
There is one more thing about this year’s Oscars that is simply so outrageous that it deserves a special place, just below number 1. It’s number zero. It’s…
Son of a …
So, here is my wonderful little rant for you. If you want to show the hate towards Oscars, feel free to suggest more omitted titles or names. But let’s lighten up the mood and celebrate Leonardo DiCaprio’s winning the Oscar this year because he will, otherwise…